The following are tips for a happy marriage, courtesy of the comedy of Red Skelton:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage and then comes good food and good companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We sleep in separate beds, her’s is in Ontario, and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen, I wound up in a place I haven’t been in a long time; the ER.

5. We always hold hands, if I let go, she shops!

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said “there are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” so I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because of water being in the carburetor. I asked her where the car was, she told me, “in the lake!”

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days, and then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “am I too late?” the driver said, “No jump in!”

10. I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was “Always!”

11. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don’t like to interrupt her.

12. The last fight was completely my fault; my wife asked what was on the TV. I said, “Dust!”

Just remember the number one cause of divorce is marriage!

Looney Tunes

Just a side note to finish out the column. When I was growing up I watched a lot of cartoons. It might explain a lot today if I stopped to think about it. (I never do!) Anyway, my absolute favorite cartoons were Looney Tunes. We had Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam, the Road Runner and the coyote, Elmer Fudd and on and on — they were great. If you ever find yourself really down in the dumps, go rent or buy a Looney Tunes DVD. I can guarantee your spirits will rise. Budit, budit, budit, that’s all folks!

I’ll be right back.